Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
