Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
