I cannot find my penis.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
