I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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