What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
