i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
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