My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
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