You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize
