Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
