The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
