Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
