i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
