3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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