I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
