you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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