He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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