apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
