somebody snuck up and got me drunk
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
