No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
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