Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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