And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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