I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Randomize
