Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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