she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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