Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
