I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
organizing the empties. That sober.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Randomize
