READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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