whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
