I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize