glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Randomize
