don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Randomize
