dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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