Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
me + whiskey = a bad person
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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