I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Randomize
