Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize
