he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize