drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize