We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
