Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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