my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
