Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
