I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Randomize
