Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
