My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
