It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
