There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
