ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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