went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
