Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I checked into jail on foursquare
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
