Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Randomize
