Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
