I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
