yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
