Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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