I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize