one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
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