You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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