i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
