i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
