also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Oh god it's open bar.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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